Guess it's time

to get down to business...It's week 5 and I feel like I'm 5 weeks behind with the blog, 5 weeks behind with the Chapbook and I haven't yet perfected my time machine. Looks like I gotta crack down right about...

wait for it...

wait for it..

now!

-Intro (to my untitled Chapbook)-

I think I have the reverse Midas touch,

well not really

but really.

I gave MC hammer a high five on the last leg of his last world tour

Trust me

Trust me

They love "That '70's show"

do the math

That '80s show is gonna be instant classic

Listen

Listen

Orenthal 

Orenthal James

Just take this gun and go get your stuff back

who's gonna know?

Stealing? Come on! Who's legs won that Heisman trophy?

And that pro bowl ring?

And those signed jerseys that you were going to auction, they're still worth stuff ya know?

Record schmeckord...So what

The court of public opinion has no jurisdiction over us

we're celebrities.

You were innocent 

I'm just sayin...

It's your stuff so you should go get it back ya know?

It's not like getting away with murder.

What too much?

-Karma

-#2 (in more ways than one)-

How is this poetry?

Talking

Through some omniscient voice, though this voice comes from a face that looks just like mine.

I really don't get it

It's just talking...written talking

and trying to make it seem like it's saying something

This is what procrastination looks like

but if I admit that, am I being an honest bad student

or a poet

or both

I'm being that artist

that doesn't care if you like his art

and me not caring somehow makes it even more artistic

the fact that it doesn't need acceptance to be accepted

it just

is!

you disliking it

or waiting for an explanation

is what makes it beautiful and ugly at the same time

and then I turn around and my blazer has a a rhinestoned skull in the middle

just because

and my pants are too tight

and my red belt doesn't match my sandals

and I walk away pompously

and someone buys this gibberish

as REAL poetry

Or 

Should it just be a bunch of repetitions

just for the sake of sound mimicking

because I can do that too

without really thinking

see sea I told you

and you told I 

and eye and my eye told you at sea

I see the sea with my eye I told you...

thats from a later piece I'm going to call "beach"

and it's going to be a Steinese poem

and you won't like it

I won't either

but because we have to be nice you won't say anything bad about it

you'll just sit there and doodle

or shake your head like you 'get' what I was trying to do

when really you don't

-Beach-

I feel you

underneath my ass

and swimming trunks

You are all around me

I can't escape you by laying on my back

You are here and there and everywhere

I came to you

and when I toe the wet line that separates the sand from the water

I feel you course backward

tickled

See sea I told you

and you told I 

and eye and my eye told you at sea

I see the sea with my eye I told you

You wave to me and I see sea

I see you wave

as I wait

and wave back

I see sea

eye see

eye sea

I told you

you I told

when I toed you sea

I see you and toed you

and felt the way I told you

the way I toed you

you toed me back 

and told me

when I told you

I mean toed you

eye sea you

I see you sea!

You can't hide from I

from eye

You are right there sea. I see you see you

from the Beach

-Mambo #5-

A little bit of Monica in my life

Why the hell are we dancing to this,

I really gotta fart

A little bit of Erica by my side

my feet hurt

I think I'm bleeding

I knew I should have ordered fish, Why did I get the steak

A little bit of Rita is all I need

A little bit of Tina is what I see

My hips hurt

I'm sweating like Michael Jackson at a 

youth theater presentation

of West Side story

(so erotic)

I've been Mamboing all fuckin night

A little bit of Sandra in the sun

This is the worst wedding ever

I flew 1/2 way around the country

A little bit of Mary all night long

Just to see this guy I ran track with for one year in college

A little bit of Jessica here I am

And this chick who gave me the worst handjob during freshman week

get married

Open bar my ass

A little bit of you makes me your man

Fuck off Lou Bega

It's 2009.

-Standby Ticket-

There is a standby ticket on the floor next to my desk

It is upside down and alone

There were 5 of them

All virgin brothers

bundled together

That I bought from Anthony for $185

The first one was ripped away from the others at PDX

sidebar: acronyms for airports are ridiculous sometimes

PD stands for Portland and the X means it's an international airport

Anyway

at PDX at 6:12

the first one was taken and stamped and given away at the gate

and scanned

and dropped into the recycle bin

It's becoming something else

maybe page 37 in a book about teens losing their virginity

The second was torn off at SLC (guess that acronym)

the lady at the Southwest counter was so nice

and fragrant

She must have showered a few moments before.

The pungent man,

who lumbered to a stop at the seat next to mine

and sat

after hoisting his luggage in the stow way area

simultaneously revealing two dry sweat stained armpits

on a shirt that you get

when cashing in your Marlboro miles

was nice to me, though he stunk.

sidebar: MCI is the acronym for Kansas City

and Kansas City is in Missouri

The third ticket

was taken in STL wherrr they 

add three rrr's at the end of 

errrr worrrd that ends with an

rrrr sound and sometimes they don't pronounce 

sounds like the 'v' on every is silent in St. Louis

"Shayla Johnson yourrrr parrty is waiting in the luggage pickup errrea

Shayla johnson yourrr parrrty is waiting in the luggage pickup errrea"

The fourth ticket was taken in DEN 

and after waiting forever

and being hungry

and having to poop 

but holding it in because I hate pooping in public places

and pondering flying to Oakland to get to Portland

but getting a flight directly to Portland

the last seat on the plane

I was left with one ticket.

One standby ticket is on my floor

and you can buy it off craigslist

because it is there too

in theory

and It only costs 50 dollars

but it has to be used before May 5th

-Can You Believe Her?-

So

She said that I'm full of myself

I think her exact words were,

"Tommy, you're so conceited!"

Exclamation mark included because everything she says has an exclamation mark included

I looked it up

and according to dictionary.com

conceited means: an excessive opinion of one's own ability, importance, wit, etc.

2 something that is conceived in the mind; a thought; idea

3 imagination; fancy

4 a fancy; whim; fanciful notion

5 an elaborate, fanciful metaphor, esp. of a strained or farfetched nature

678

9 obsolete. The faculty of conceiving; apprehension

I don't think she looked up conceited before she used it

I mean really, I'm hardly imaginary

I definitely wasn't conceived in the mind

Obsolete? I'm cutting edge baby!

A fanciful notion? I don't think she meant it that way.

So the first definition? hmmm... let's break this down

and excessively favorable opinion of one's own ability, importance, wit, etc.

Well I think I'm pretty funny

but is it my fault that when I say things

that are meant to be taken as jokes

people laugh? 

she couldn't have meant it that way.

Importance? I don't know. I never walk around with a crown or anything

I sit in the front of class because I'm trying to learn. 

Listen, don't get it misunderstood,

I think highly of myself

as should anyone:

3.8 gpa in my upper division classes (pretty good by anyone's standards)

A former college football player (1% of high school athletes play college sports)

I'm healthy

Ambitious

but not perfect by any means.

So what? I'm supposed to downplay my attributes

so other people can feel good about themselves?

Or I'm supposed to be field dependent,

and observe how everyone else feels

and then determine how I'm supposed to feel?

Or when I'm working hard for the grades I get

or when I used to run my ass off to play football

I'm supposed to succumb down to the level of how someone else feels

because they let others dictate how they should feel

and they don't sit back and think "u know what, I got my faults

I'm not perfect

but I'm damn good"

Like I do.

So because she can't put it together that she must be doing well,

being in college and everything,

she has to worry or fear or acknowledge

how I feel about myself

and attempt to bring ME down

to a level of lower esteem where she is

and I'm supposed to feel bad?

Fuck 

That! Exclamation mark.

If I was conceited

or so full of myself

I wouldn't try to give other people the right answer when I thought I had it

I would sit quietly and laugh as other people tried to grasp the concept.

I would eat ice cream everyday and look at myself in the mirror

and marvel

instead of spending two hours daily in our crowded gym.

I am what I am, and yes I am proud

overly proud? Hardly.

I'm sorry that you don't feel good about yourself, but don't try to stomp on my pride.

I never bring anyone down

I pump myself up

and that makes you and you and you and you upset?

That I make myself feel good?

And this makes sense to you?

I didn't mention your name once

so stop mentioning mine.

-I Hate TV-

 I really love TV

which is why I say I hate it

It's a love hate relationship.

TV is that girl that I am ashamed of

because I love her to death inside

but there is so much wrong with her.

I could spend three chapbooks telling you about tv;

oh how I love watching the Tanner family get into and out of

a crisis in 22 1/2 minutes.

Or Tia and Tamera...twins separated at birth? Wow, powerful.

Or Eddie and Laura, what's going to happ...

and enters Urkel,

now my whole afternoon is shot.

YES URKEL, YOU DID THAT!

Yes Heidi I know what time it is, it's TOOL TIME.

I wonder how Zack and the gang are going to get out

of Belding's hair this episode.

But my favorite girl, TV, has this stupid bad side

I mean come on, how many items can this guy sell?

Oxy-Clean

Garden Hoses

Bread makers

this guy is the white Frank Lucas

(look him up).

But seriously, he believes in every product they pay him to believe in

Or this Shamwow?

The commercial is so fake

and the guy hawking that just got arrested for beating up a woman

but you didn't know that

because he's not Chris Brown.

I wish TV would just change,

"the new Brawnie" the only paper towel with flex-tech design

What the hell is that? How much does it cost? 3.40 a roll?

It better come with crack at that price. I can get two rolls at the dollar tree

for a buck.

Ugh

this stupid snuggie, snuggy, whatever.

A blanket with armholes?

What is it 1907 and we don't have insulation (which they probably had)

or are we "recessing" so badly that no one turns on their heat?

Or drinks a warm beverage.

Come on. I'm supposed to believe that these professional athletes 

take 5 hour energy before a game?

Looking into the stands and seeing thousands of people wearing a shirt

the same shirt you're wearing

with your last name on their back

isn't thrilling?

And the millions and millions and millions of dollars aren't enough

to get these guys jacked for 60 minutes of football?

The sport they are getting paid to love doesn't do it

like an overdose of caffine?